Forty Years, Part II (First Posted May 16, 2011)

Nine months ago, commencing on a highly significant day for her - on both a symbolic and an achievement level - she became briefly (but meaningfully) reacquainted with someone who had made a positive, unique and lasting impression on her during the holiday weekend immediately following the highly significant day of the death of her father on May 16, 1971.

She found the timing of this always anticipated but never sought after reunion intensely compelling.  "Why", she asked herself, "Have I connected with this specific person at two of my life's pivotal points and at no other time in between?"  And, why forty years (less 9 months) apart?

While she can't claim to know the answer that lies behind this provocative timing  - although it did, admittedly, cause at least one breath-taking possibility to occur to her (before all the facts were in) - she does have this specific situation, exactly as she experienced it, to thank for steering her last 9 months of ruminating in an unanticipated, and a particularly fruitful, direction.  (So, perhaps, therein lies the reason.)

She started by researching and entertaining the symbolic meaning(s) of the Number 40 which, among other places, can be found sprinkled liberally throughout the Judeo-Christian scriptures.  The following represents a sample of what she used to help her (attempt) to gain an understanding of the uncanny timing of the reunion (mentioned above) and, ultimately, to gain a personal grasp on the significance of the Number 40 (expanded below):

1. According to R. Allendy, "It is the achievement of a cycle in the world, or rather the rhythm of the cyclic repetitions in the Universe."
2. Represents the complete and sufficient period to finish a work, according to Lacuria.
3. The number forty is used to represent a period of testing or judgment (the length of time necessary to accomplish some major part of a spiritual plan).
4. It is a time of need, of struggle, of testing.
5. A 40-something time period, whether days, months, or years is ALWAYS a period of testing, trial, probation, or chastisement (but not judgment) and ends with a period of restoration, revival or renewal.

In light of this she found herself asking, "When I boil it all down down, what exactly have I been struggling with for the last 40 years?"  Her answer is, "Becoming brave enough to face what lies at the very bottom of my heart".  (Whether what lies in the deepest recess of her heart is attractive [love] or repulsive [fear/hate/anger] either one carries a huge implication for her life and either one requires wise management.)

Following this, the next question she found herself asking is, "Between 1971 and 2011 have I been sorely tested sufficiently to prove to myself that I am really and truly the person I felt myself to be in the early years of my life (extremely loving and, also, loveable) - or do I still harbour a deeply held doubt about my true value as a human being?" (A doubt that gradually took hold as her finest feelings were slowly, but surely, coarsened, darkened and made almost entirely inaccessible to her leading up to her 16th year.)

So, how does she answer herself today, after exactly 40 years have passed since the death of the one whom, when she was young and in his care, gradually overwhelmed her tender feelings by consistently inspiring in her those of dread, disgust, frustration, desperation, rejection and - ultimately - self-annihilation?

She answers her first question by taking into account the fruits of her life so far.  It is clear to her that those few individuals with whom she is able to completely relax and fully give herself to (in the manner in which each one inspires in her to do so) thrive as a result.  Her son provides her with the clearest example of this.   So, this positive outcome must be proof she is, at her very bottom, primarily a source of love and not of discord.

She answers the second question by looking at a particular development in her life over the last 5 years which has found her finally making peace with her place of origin (with which she feels a deep, abiding physical connection but which also bore witness to her early stages of raw self-abandonment).  As a result, and for the first time in almost 40 years, she no longer feels like she has to hide her face from 'those whom she is one of' (by dint of her birth, her early formative experiences and her ancestry).

In fact, over the last 5 years her greatest blessing has arisen through being reunited with the simple, straightforward and nourishing love of two of her childhood friends.   Spending quality time with Bonnie and Barb has stirred the ashes of her (young) heart and has rekindled her deepest feelings of warmth, comfort, stability, security, and belonging that had long been missing from her life.

Her tender feelings have slowly been revived with these two friends of her youth in a way that feels right to her;  that makes sense to her.  Her feelings, and her values, fit with theirs.  They fit!  From here, she has gradually been able to work out that as she possesses value in their eyes, and as their values line up with hers, then it can only be the case that it would not be false, in any way, for her to fully adopt the position that she is of value.

As has been declared elsewhere on this blog space (see:  "Ava - The Bathtub Report, May 7, 2001"), the love she feels for her son, the remainder of her small family and her few close friends is not the entirety of her love.  It does not draw upon her most personal and passionate love that is naturally, as an adult, intended for the one other adult with whom she is the most personally and intimately connected to.

So, she lives with the certain knowledge of this particular feeling of love's existence (from having once been privy to it as a young child and from often keenly feeling the pressure of it roiling deep within her) and now, after 40 testing and, ultimately, restorative years, she lives with the certain knowledge she deserves to fully experience it and to fully share it.

And, while she dare not assume she will one day be altogether crowned by her love (through having all aspects of it  flowing through, and from, her) she equally dare not doubt this possibility. The answer to the deepest desire of her heart is, both beautifully and poetically, not in her keeping.

Even Moses, one of the great, archetypal '40 year wanderers', did not make it into the Promised Land.  On the other hand, some who wandered for 40 years in the desert with him did!

It appears - even after "Forty Years" - the answer is always, always, always:  Inshallah.