When she walks through her door on Saturday evening around 6 - an act which marks the end of her 3 day barbering cycle where she is required to be super efficient and super focused whilst remaining super aware of the fact she is plying the tools of her trade on the head of a highly sentient being – she is more-than-ready to shed her exhaustion and begin transitioning into the 'she' who exists in the less structured part of her week.
Maybe it really is because she is an astrological water sign that she inevitably finds herself immersed as deeply as possible (which may include periodically lying flat with her face fully submerged) in her bath water for an hour, or so, as part of her Saturday night, morphing ritual. Or, maybe not. All she knows for certain is she does some of her most satisfying ruminating in the bathtub ... and that her ruminating often leads to her writing ... and that a good dose of bashing at the keyboard on a Saturday night starts the sweeter, more unbridled, part of her week out in a positive manner.
And, maybe it's because she has been interested in astrology since she was 12 (and, for the last decade of this 44 year span, especially as it focuses her attention on the 4 elemental types of human beings) or maybe it's because she has been training her focus on the 4 elemental worlds of the minor aracana for the last while that tonight, in her bathtub reverie, she found herself trying to understand something pervasive and unrelenting about her experience of herself strictly from the point of view of being a member of the feeling element of water (the World of Cups).
Tonight, in her watery depths, it became clear that no matter what she tells herself to the contrary, and no matter how unlikely she is to win and secure her 'Holy Grail', she can't help herself from questing after a particular and distinct feeling (no chest of gold, no weighty tome, nor fiery dragon for her) . Fortunately, being already familiar with the shape, texture, quality and worthiness of this one particular and distinct feeling she seeks, she has an inner guide to follow. She knows the feeling for which she is questing (as an adult) is the same particular and distinct feeling once inspired in her (as a young child) by certain, close members of her family and, only just slightly further out, is the same feeling inspired in her by the piece of the natural world from which she sprang.
Yes, Sir E. Bob, it is her own true, passionate and whole-hearted love (i.e. her most "personal" love) she is seeking to gain liberal and sustained access to at this rich, eye-opening, autumnal phase of her life. And, because all feelings arise in response to their corresponding stimulations, the only way for her to attain this liberal and sustained access to her most "personal" love feeling as an adult woman is for her to experience a true, honourable and sustained union with an adult male who feels like home to her.
This one-of-a-kind union is the only key that can unlock this one-of-a-kind feeling and free it to fully circulate within her. This particular and distinct feeling is intended to enliven and fortify her most personal self and the most personal self of her significant other (and, from this centre of two, to cascade out and down as gently penetrating rain to any, and all, within range of its flowing). Having this particular and distinct feeling locked down (not allowed to freely flow through and out as it ought) creates a fluctuating and gnawing pressure within her that is very painful (and maddening) to contain.
Now that she is finally able to fully articulate to herself exactly what her quest is, and why it is exactly as it is, she is no longer able - or willing - to deny herself the full folly (and/or the full glory) of her highest - and her deepest - desire at this time in her life. She will feel all of one piece before she dies or, at the very least, she will not give up her quest (nor shield herself from what could well be her inevitable disappointment by denying its reality).
And .. so ...
It could well be that other people - particularly those from any of the other 3 elemental worlds of Swords/Thought, Wands/Action and Pentacles/Manifesting - quest for something (a little or a lot) different the greater part of their lives. It seems totally reasonable to assume they do but she can't speak for those whom she is not. She does know that what she articulated to herself in her bath water tonight is true for her and, actually, makes complete sense (all things considered).
It stands to reason that, as an inhabitant of the 'elemental world of water', there are preordained states of worthy feelings that are crucial for her to struggle with, to quest after and, ultimately, to bend her knee to in order to experience a 'complete life' from the standpoint of this particular world.
sobeit & sobeshe
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