Saturday 13 August 2011

I Love A Good Plan - Illustrated Haiku & Prose



It started with a yearning, shared equally by the three County Amigas, to spend the day together on a stretch of familiar sand overlooking Lake Ontario.  Of course, to make it come together satisfactorily, they required a plan to suit everyone. 

To make their task more challenging the planning would have to be conducted - where her input was concerned - via email and voice mail to mercifully accommodate her deep-seated aversion to talking on the telephone.

So ...

Back and forth, round and round the three of them went - emails chasing voice mails chasing emails.  What about this day, or that? What time is good for this amiga, and for that amiga, and for her? 

And ...

Shall they eat somewhere?  If so, where and in what price range?  Before the beach or after? 

Also ...

Does anyone have to be home at a certain time?  If so, when? 

Finally ...

What about snacks and beverages for the beach?  Is a cooler necessary?  What about beach umbrellas?   Who is bringing what?

At one point her head started to hurt trying to hold all the bits and pieces together.  Yet, at the same time, she enjoys the planning and negotiating process because she loves working with others to come up with a plan where everyone is satisfied with the end result.  It feels like assembling a puzzle.  It's honest work which requires an honest effort by all concerned.

She isn't sure when she realized she can't be happy if others she is involved with - in work or in play - are unhappy but she remembers feeling infuriated by what she deemed as "unfairness" even as a child.  Needless to say she has acted both unfairly and selfishly many times while in the process of maturing.  But, it hasn't pleased her to be, and to act, so.

She also realizes, more and more, how much better the result is when "two or more are gathered" for the purpose of solving a problem, imagining an outcome and/or executing a well-thought out and discussed plan of action.  Approaching life and its challenges this way feels wholesome and, frankly, delicious to her.

The real trick to this "consensus approach" is finding people with whom she feels completely open, accepted and respected and with whom she offers this in return.  It all boils down to trust.

Under these conditions she finds even though she receives less of the pie being divvied up she is satisfied because she is able to eat her share in the company of friends.


Monday 8 August 2011

Her Red Mouse (think "scurry")




Tomorrow will find her taking her car, the Red Mouse, in for more maintenance that is required on its suspension. 

She readily admits she has a love/hate relationship with her automobile which - when the hate side is on the ascendant (like tomorrow when she pulls out her credit card, yet again) - sometimes makes her wonder if she did the right thing buying it in the first place. 

Granted it was a "sweet deal" brought to her attention by someone she trusted but, not ever having been a car person in her entire life, she had no idea that:  a.  she would have such a blast driving it, and, b.  it would cost her so much to maintain properly.  Grrrrrrr .... her little Red Mouse definitely has her caught between the proverbial "rock and a hard place".

And, of course, there is the rising cost of fuel causing her to reel (and fret) just that much more.  A while ago she considered selling her Red Mouse - and buying something cheaper to repair and more fuel efficient - but she knows her car has been well maintained and that it's reliable.  In fact her original plan was to keep it on the road for at least 10 years and it is more than possible for her to do this ("god willin' and the creek don't rise).

With her original plan in mind she had to take herself firmly in hand after her last trip to the garage (when the first of the series of three sessions of suspension repairs took place) and tell herself to have more guts in the situation she finds herself in.

She told herself that if she is going to keep her car then she needs to focus on the enjoyment it gives her and to trust herself to be able to work hard enough, and be resourceful enough, to be able to afford whatever it takes to keep the Red Mouse on the road for as long as she wishes.

She emphasized to herself that she must no longer give any indication whatsoever to her mechanic that she is crushed by any adverse reports he has to give her.  From now on she must buck up and carry on as if she can, and will always be able to, afford to properly maintain her automobile.

Yes, it is a bit of a "fake it til you make it" strategy.  But, sometimes you have to live up to your outer trappings and let them inspire you to do your best.

Wednesday 3 August 2011

Open Sesame


On the way to meet her mother for a summer outing (consisting of driving the back roads with the windows rolled down and seeing what they could see) she listened to the The Tarot Immersions by "The Open Sesames" a musical storytelling group for which she was once the writer, vocalist and conceptualist.

Every single one of the 22 pieces on this highly unique collection of chants, spoken word lyrics set to music and instrumentals - representing each of the cards in the major arcana of the tarot - reminded her of both the meaning of the card (as it was designed to do) and of how much she enjoyed being part of its creation or, in the case of most of the instrumentals, its selection.  Artistically speaking she has never experienced a creative process more challenging or more pleasurable.

When Garrick, Stuart and she collaborated artistically on The Tarot Immersions project it felt as natural as breathing.  The 3 of them fell into place along side each other and gave it their best shot.  The ease with which each of the 22 pieces unfolded - and equaled the concept she had for each one in her head - was extremely gratifying and she is so, so, so happy she had this experience.

She particularly treasures the time she and Garrick were holed up in "the dungeon" recording the spoken word lyrics to "XV-The Devil".  She found it hard to get in to at first until she started to broadly mimic the accent of a Berlin cabaret performer.  This was it!  Now, all she had to do was get all the way through the entire set of lyrics "in character" and without breaking down into fits of laughter.  And, by heavens, she did it!  Afterwards she and Garrick enjoyed sharing a bout of unrestrained hilarity.  This is still one of her favourite pieces and definitely one of her favourite memories from this special time in her life.

From day one until the end she loved creating as one of "The Open Sesames".  She loved the combined flow of their creative energy and the surprising material the three of them wrought together.  Her times working in "the dungeon" with Garrick and Stuart were magical and she will never lose her appreciation for them. 

Now, whenever she utters the words, "Open Sesame," it will forever grant her access to a cache of riches stored in her heart which, when weighed against the disillusionment she experienced at the end, seems a fair enough deal to her.

She accepts.

Illustrated Haiku and Story - After 30 Years



She has three girl friends who have been married to their original partner for over 30 years. 

Because this is a phenomena she will never experience, she has been focusing her attention on each of these marriages to learn what she can from these near at hand examples.

Firstly, she recognizes these marriages are not identical in terms of what originally drew each set of partners together and what has kept them together.  Only one exceedingly fortunate couple are, and have always been, a true love match.  The other two marriages came about through personal need combined with social/biological pressures, which is completely normal and not to be scoffed at.

All three have survived despite hardship and adversity with the most loving couple having to deal with their child's limited intellectual capacity (who, during puberty, became absolute hell to manage) while the other two have had to cope with bouts of despair arising from their inability to completely connect.

However, no matter how they have arrived at it, all three couples share an unshakable state of "settledness" in their marriages.  For better, or for worse, they have all settled the big questions of:

1.  Who am I going to live out the rest of my years with?
2.  Who am I going to share my inner and outer resources with?
3.  Who am I going to be family with?
4.  Who am I going to support (or be supported by) at the time of death?

None of the six people involved in these three marriages have to give these big questions a second thought.  Matters are settled - and the individuals are settled - til death do them part. 

She sees there is great comfort and security in this degree of certainty about the present, and the future, and so she finally comprehends the benefits that accrue over the years of "hanging in" with one marriage partner.

In light of what she now realizes does she harbour any regrets about her single status?  It's a good question and she deserves to answer herself honestly. 

Twice she had the opportunity to live with a marriage partner til death do them part (thereby settling the same big questions in her own life) and twice she chose to return to a state of uncertainty. 

She can live with that.

Her regret lies in cheating two partners, and herself, by marrying when her heart wasn't fully in it.  While it's easy (yet truthful) to say "live and learn" in her case an awful lot of living has been required.

Further To "Whirl Winds" (see July postings on this blog)

Tuesday 2 August 2011

Tarot - Nine of Cups



To feel foundation (to feel the sensation of solidity inside you) in the suit of cups – also recognized as the “realm of water” and, by another name, as the “world of feeling” – is to finally be able to feel the outcome of all the awareness you have been directing towards your feeling nature as you have descended, step-by-step, from the level of "Pure Feeling" (the Ace of Cups) towards the "Kingdom of Feeling" (Ten of Cups).

At the Foundation level (Nine of Cups) in the "world of feeling" you have sorted out your basic feeling nature and it is now nicely laid out and ordered "behind you" where it can feed, colour, enrich and enliven your existence as it is intended to! 

After launching out on your journey through the "world of feeling" at the level of pure feeling, you have focused your awareness step-by-step on the highly worthwhile feeling aspect of wisdom, understanding, mercy, severity, beauty, victory and splendour all of which now form your foundation in this particular world.

The act of systematically focusing, clarifying and grooming your feeling nature has all worked together to create the foundation of feeling you find yourself now resting on, relying on and being supported and nurtured by.  In the "realm of water" it is no easy feat to build a solid foundation out of a fluid so you can afford to lightly indulge in the feeling of self-satisfaction a "job well done" naturally brings with it.

Also, by now, you will have reached the point where you feel the reality that you are the true Cup in the "suit of cups".  Yes, of course, you are the real container for your feelings which can prove, at times, to be extremely difficult to manage (but containment and self-possession becomes easier as you systematically sort out your feeling nature within the "world of feeling" as you have been doing throughout the different levels of descension in this suit).

And, naturally, the foundation you have created in your feeling nature isn't there only for your own benefit which you will see when you reach the "Kingdom of Feeling" (Ten of Cups).


Illustrated Haiku - County Women

Monday 1 August 2011

B Day, July 30th, 2011


Well, Bonnie's birthday has been well celebrated yet anther year and, as usual after spending time with her childhood friends Bonnie and Barb, she has come away with a lot to think about. In fact, she has even more to reflect upon than usual because the weekend before Barb had a going away party for her two sons at her place in Prince Edward County (the place where she, Bonnie and Barb all hail from).  This means she has had lots and lots of "County feelings, thoughts and insights" to sort through and cherish over the last 7 days.

What she was most struck by at Barb's party - where she was surrounded by more County Folk than usual - was how deep ran her feelings of belonging.  At one point, late in the evening when her head started to spin from over-indulging, she quietly slid out of her lawn chair and curled up on the good ground beneath her where she felt completely righted once again and totally at peace. 

As a child she often used to go outside and curl up in the long grass in the field beside her house on the West Lake Road.  Sometimes she did this to make the chaotic world inside her parents' house stop spinning and sometimes she did it just because she was drawn to.  Either way, the land she and generations of her family before her have grown up on has always been good to her, and for her.

From here ...

She began to become aware of how far and wide she has journeyed over the last 40 years without truly realizing, until this last year, exactly where she was headed.  This realization has been eye-opening to her because she both knows and feels that this phase of her life has been successfully completed and she is now, finally, well and truly home.

From here ...

She began to understand something about herself she wasn't able to before.  She could never understand why she always felt disinclined to commit to any of the many different tribes of people she has encountered along her life's path.  It didn't matter if she felt compatible with them in many ways (outlook, interests, etc.) she never felt like she wanted to permanently join them;  to become one of them.  She came to believe she was simply a loner.

But now ...

When she is with other people who grew up in Prince Edward County she doesn't even have to think about joining or belonging.  She simply does, through and through.  She does have a world.  She always did have a world but she turned her back on it - for good reasons at the time - when she was 16 and she didn't even begin to look back until she turned 40.  And, then, it still took another 16 years of night time dreaming and of processing her early feelings before she could fully return to her true home with a smile on her face and love in her heart and comfortably resume her rightful place at the kitchen table with those whom she is one of.

Further to this ...

After spending two days with just Bonnie and Barb (and Bonnie's obliging and helpful husband, Jon) relaxing on Bonnie's back deck to celebrate her birthday she understands it isn't simply the fact they grew up together as children in Prince Edward County that makes them part of the same tribe.  They are part of the same tribe because people, like the 3 of them, who sprang from the pioneers who settled this once isolated, island-like region share a similar basic makeup.  It is still hard for her to pin-point the exact attributes they all have in common (stubbornness, pride, grittiness, determination and a straight-forward brand of honesty are a few of them) but she feels their rock-bottom similarity nonetheless.

It's funny ...

After she wrote a series of articles (from March 2009 to January 2010) about the changes in Prince Edward County, and its population, over the last 20, or so, years she reached the conclusion she is, and always will be, a "County Child".   After the last two weekends she has also come to fully understand she is a "County Woman" as well.

And (wonder of wonders) ...

That's a good thing.

Love The Questions - Illustrated Haiku & Prose


Well, actually what Rilke says is:

"Be patient with all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves."

So ...

She has suffered from having one unanswered, paramount question in her heart for a long time which, after 40 years, has finally been answered. Unfortunately she soon found out there is a natural followup question to her first which is even more pressing now that the first has been answered so promisingly.

When she saw these words of Rilke something in her reached out to his advice.  Because she glimpsed, through him, that there might be a "secret" embedded in her question; a secret that could turn suffering into celebration through the application of LOVE.

So ...

Because she is growing weary of her suffering she decided to focus her LOVE on her unsolved question in her heart.

And ..

What she is discovering is her question is slowly and delightfully transforming into the feeling she has a perfectly loving surprise ahead of her.

Further to this ...

She imagines this perfectly loving surprise will be so because it will be the true (and therefore the best possible) answer to her question - whether it be "yea" or "nay".

Does this make sense?

_________________________________________________________

NOTE:  After focussing more love on her question in the wee hours of the morning (while sitting out on a deck in the mid-summer heat listening to the murmur of a creek and the night sounds all around her) she heard her question saying to her, "If you learn to love me you will no longer be struggling for the answer.  If you stop struggling for the answer you will learn to simply 'wait and see'.  And, in this seeing you will be astonished."